crazy_muffron

"brace yourself"

Everyday is like I'm telling myself that I have to ready myself to engage is some sort of tussle. I don't know with what. Honestly I don't.

But yesterday could have possibly been the best day of the week. I felt like the old Sharon was back. I felt like nothing had ever changed between certain people and I. We just picked up where we last left it. It was the Sharon who felt like it was easier to not talk than to talk. It was a Sharon I missed a little.

Admittedly we did nothing the whole day and perhaps it was what I needed. A day of nothingness. A day when I didn't have to think, be bothered by things, be burdened by issues. A day uncumbered with torn relationships, relationships that need work, asymmetric relationships.

Going home seems to be a chore. I don't want to be home. I want to go home to an empty house, where I know I can feel safe, unbothered, relaxed and above all, myself. Instead, I'm back to holing myself in my room the moment I'm in the house. Waking or sleeping, I'm in here. I shuffle back and forth to the kitchen or toilet when necessary. Imprisoned because I don't want to face reality, because I don't want to deal with reality. It's a slow death. SEE I TOLD YOU REALITY IS THE #1 CAUSE OF DEATH. Okay I don't know who I'm telling. But it is. I know it is. It's logical to me at least.

I'm heading out soon. And I don't want to leave because I leave behind a broken relationship, a broken home. But I rather leave than to go through all that repair. No one is going to repair anything because we're both saturated with mending plasters, nut and bolts, scrap pieces to form a rat-tat of shield of defence against each other's remarks. It's not very helpful at times because we still hurt. But I'm unbothered. I don't want to be at least. I don't want to hurt anymore. And because of this, I can't regret. Tragic isn't it.

So before you try to mend me, read this and reconsider if I really want to be mended. If it is your responsibility to change things. Or is it just assumed because there is a need to fix things? And if you're still convinced otherwise, then I suggest you double up your strength, because I have none left. My advice is - don't.

"Breathless"

Here you are now
Fresh from your war
Back from the edge of time
And all that you were,
Stripped to the bone
I thought you­d want to know

That when you feel the world is crashing
All around your feet
Come running headlong into my arms
Breathless
I'll never judge you
I can only love you
Come now running headlong
Into my arms
Breathless

Lay down your guns
Too weak to run
Nothing can harm you here
Your precious heart
Broken and scarred
Somehow you made it through
I only ask that you won't go again

When you feel the world is crashing
All around your feet
Come running headlong into my arms
Breathless
I'll never judge you
I can only love you
Come now running headlong
Into my arms
Breathless

So glad to see you smiling
So good to hear your laugh
I think that you've found you even
Missed yourself
I'm only asking this because I think that
Truth be told
Oh, you'll never go again
Again

When you feel the world is crashing
All around your feet
Come running headlong into my arms
Breathless
I'll never judge you
I can only love you
Come now running headlong
Into my arms
Breathless
Breathless



It's amazing what communication does to a relationship. It opens up avenues of delightful exploration. I've discovered that I mean what I say. Call it a "zhi ye ping" career illness in literal translation, that words are secondary to meaning, motivation, intention or hidden agenda. Words are a tool to get to what, where, who, how you want things to be. Not with certain people.

It's about truth and honesty at the end of the day. I'm stripped bare in my relationship with you. I don't know what possesses me to do so. I feel so vulnerable and because of this fear, I think, and I put up walls again. I feel safer within my walls, but you reach out to tear it down and pull me into your arms of safety. I would have thought this to be crazy before, to be irrational, and to be a loser with nothing to fall back on.

I don't know where you muster your strength, your courage, your faith. You're more than amazing. You're God's gift to me. Yes you are.

When you don't understand, you try to make me see things simply. I used to think it was this simple to mend broken relationships, the way you see it. Tonight, I made you hit a wall. I made you angry because I simply refused to listen. I'm sorry. You're trying to help and I just pushed you away. It must have hurt you to some extent.

We are met with new issues everyday, every week, and we have a lot more to work through. Don't lose steam yet. I'll meet you halfway again. I won't be so difficult to talk to again. You don't deserve it. I'm really sorry. I love you.

wth, my friends' page is spammed with pictures!!!! Where's the reading material?? Unlike facebook, I can't stream to the older posts. So now I'll have to surf for reading material. hrmph.

I once said "we take delight in ignorance" and today I still stand by it and rather delight in ignorance than knowing what's going on. My heart is burdened, my heart in heavy, because I just want to make the uglies disappear. But that's just childish. Reality is indeed #1 cause of death. And you'd think it was smoking or cancer or accidents. NO! It's reality.

Anyway, whatever it is, sort it out. I'm just on the sideline watching and praying.




Perhaps on a lighter note, I'm happy. Dad asked what I liked about him. And for a moment I was thinking.. What do I really like about him? The fact that we're really comfortable with each other, the fact that everytime he edges close to me, my heart skips a beat, the fact that he balances me out in so many aspects, the fact that he probably doesn't understand what's the big fuss I have on my end but still loves me through all the confusion, the fact that he can lead this relationship right in the Lord's favour and will, the fact that he amuses me despite being beng-ish in behaviour, the fact that he really cares???????????????????

What do I really like about him? I can't put a finger to it. I can't say I like him anymore. I love him. If it's anything I've learnt this year is the lesson of acceptance. I've learnt to accept people for who they are because at the end of the day, you love them for their every attribute and quality. This applies to WHOEVER is in my life. Not everything around me is acceptable in behaviour or justified in Christ's name.

How do I know? I don't. I still have apprehension, I'm still faltering, I'm still thinking. But he just says things that puts my head to ease. And then I know that perhaps this is really in the Lord's will. He prayed for me whilst I looked out of the window daydreaming ridiculous notions. I'm blessed, truly I am. If this is the peace that transcends all understanding, then I know that he is the one for me despite our differences. Despite our backgrounds. And despite what my head thinks.

Is this prematured? Perhaps, I don't know. Is this a post high on emotions and not guided by the Lord? I don't know either. But for now, I'm praying ever so hard that this is it. Because if this relationship doesn't work out, I know our hearts will be shattered to the core and restoration will be prudent in its steps. As I am learning to rest in the Lord, so should the rest of my problems be cast upon Him as He is sovereign and in control.

Now I realise a fraction of what it really means to look to the Lord. Because when you do, bringing kids into this world doesn't seem like such a hard thing anymore. (If you know my stand about kids)

So yeah, I miss him, and I miss him terribly. But it won't be soon before long. And during this period, we both can seek the Lord's will earnestly knowing that it's unclouded by our emotions.

Amen.

If you're not meant to be reading this blog, stop.  Go back to the blogspot.  YES YOU!  stop stalking.

I feel like chewing a block or soap, pouring a whole packet of bi-carbonate soda in my mouth and skulling vinegar so that my stomach will explode (which will look very cool) and I will die so that I have an excuse to NOT hand in my essay. 

DIE MCC211 DIE!!!

Mika - Happy Ending

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life
Can't get no love without sacrifice
If anything should happen, I guess I wish you well
A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I'm wastin'
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

2 o'clock in the morning, something's on my mind
Can't get no rest; keep walkin' around
If I pretend that nothin' ever went wrong, I can get to my sleep
I can think that we just carried on

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I'm wastin'
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

A Little bit of love, little bit of love
Little bit of love, little bit of love [repeat]

I feel as if I'm wastin'
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
To live the rest of our life,
But not together.









This thing is over-rated.  It's as if I'm the only one in the wrong.  Okay, your nonchalance, I will not bother because I know I've done my best and did the right thing.  No more apologies from me, no more guilt.  You're going to have deal with it.

this post is just a waste of space on your feed.  :)

I'm drawing up the annual list!  The list where I believe the world's sorrow is diminished in materialism.  Yes, it's the list.  The big facking list. 

"we went to get 99c kinda braino today"

"what? what's that?"

"chocolate!"

"you mean KINDER BUENO!"

"Sounds alright to me..."

"when I die, don't do my eulogy.  cos even your bad spelling can raise me from the dead!"


wtf, kinda braino ftw.

make it stop!  Roll it back, roll it back!




Just watched Ellen Degeneres and I really wished to put a sock in Maria Holloway's screaming mouth.  zip it woman! 

october is depression month.  I hate october.

it's frustrating not being able to rmb where I've last put things like the watch.  Not even mine and I can lose it!!!  Where could it be?!!!  the apartment is only so big.  RARRRRR!!!!!!!!!

I'm your new angmoh teacher, so you BETTER sit up straight and listen!  Listen, the problem is that you don't listen.

#1 I'm not Miss Nice Angmoh teacher.  So don't think you can pretend to be bo ko leng, cos I'll make you pa jiao instead.

#2 When I'm talking Angmoh, you don't ever say "Simi a lang".  Is that even angmoh to begin with?!

#3 At all times, we will practise proper and accurate speling.  We won't distort angmoh words that sound the same but have a completely different meaning.  For example: Damn / Dammed.  Shagged / Shack.  Me / Mi.  Today / Todae.

#4 You will have to wake up your idea to take better control over your lousy angmoh

#5 You will address me as 'Miss' and not 'CHER'. Kanasai.

#6 When we are having angmoh lessons, you're always the 'thinking soldier'.  But this does not warrant grandfather stories about the times you were in the Army. 

#7 When you enquire about something new, you will use the following phrase "What's new?" and not "simi sai".  If I ever hear "simi sai", i will make you jia sai, understand?!

Lastly, I hope to share a comfortable and understanding teacher-student relationship.  However, if you should fail to comply with the above rules, I as your angmoh teacher will not hesistate to expel you and enforce a string of penalties before you leave.  So without further ado, let's begin our first angmoh lesson. :)

ARGH, SAM!  Your entry about blogs and what have you..  just came true.. 

I needa puke...

Anyway.. today was just the perfect day.  WHat I needed in a very very long time.

Love my new sneakers bought by Jessie.  I was thinking about them for 2 weeks.  And 2 weeks, miracles happen because Jessie is around to make me smile smile smile!!

NIAN NIAN YOU YU!!!  I CAUGHT MY FIRST OFFICIAL-SIZED BREAM!!!!!!!!!!  WHEEEEEEEEEE....!!!!!!!!!!!!  OMG.  IT WAS SO EXHILARATING TESTING MY BEGINNER'S LUCK!!!!  YAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!! 

pics's will be up soon of the finished product with 'HK steam style' additions.  Or white-wine lemon and cream baked bream.  mmMMmmm..

It's like freaking 4am, i've been pumpkined so please excuse the disorganised post.

The fight with the fish felt like the rod was going to snap when trying to reel it in.  The rod was like bending all the way.  Sneaky bugger bream tried to hide under the rocks.  HA!  Sucker, you're quick, but you ain't faster that my bolting hands. 

So the tackle was like...  tug of war.  I let you in a little, and just when you think you got me and let your guard down a little, I pull you MOFO!  PWNED!  Ownage.  (Oh no! I didn't!)

But yes, all thanks to God who answered my very childish prayers.  I really did pray for a fish.  Like a very 'teh' ppplllleeeaaaasssseeee God, let me catch a fish.  Amen.  AND Amen it was!  The power of prayer :)  the abusive power of prayer in a way.  OKAY.  Anyhoo.

After that, I had another big one and it was another struggle.  "Round 2!"  *tingting!!*  BUT, the hook wasn't deep enough and Mr. Bream no.2 managed to break free.  At the end of the night, my hook was pretty mangled.  Like, the paint was stripped and it looked pretty twisted.

OMG, fishing is FUNNN!!!

But the gutting and cleaning of the fish was......       smelly.

But who cares, I felt like a boy named Jack in a pair of blue overalls, barefooted with weathered skin of the sun's scorn and the ground's scowl, a straw hat with a straw of wheat in my mouth and bringing a fish home for dinner!  yumyumyum..  OH!  and whistling.

But yeah, thanks to the lady and gentlemen of tonight's fishing escapade!!!

OMG.. I was screaming when I caught my fish.  please do not try to imagine, I'll soon appear the same way when I see you in SG.  If you rmb how excited I was when I saw you girls at the train station for NYE's last year, try 3 fold with a flipping fish. 

I officially HEART fishing!!  HEART HEART HEART!!!  :D 

OKay, tongiht's euphoria will be subdued by long awaited sleep filled with dreams of a fishy nature.  Hurhur..  Ain't I funny. 

The laws of innertia proved prevalent when trying to JOG today.  Nearly died because i) I'm just unfit, ii) I've never felt such violent cramps before my period comes.

But yeah, I felt really good after working out. 

Today, I 've received a watch.  A black Casio watch that army boys wear.  And I'm falling in love with it cos it makes me look smart.  HAHAA.. Shallow.

paperplanes & paperhearts. paperclips & papercuts. says:

i wonder why you're so bent on doing the GI joe training with me..

no one's really bothered

they all know i'm a lost cause

AussieTY Wang! says:

 

cannot

 

eat eat eat eat

 

dont excercise

 

bad for body

paperplanes & paperhearts. paperclips & papercuts. says:

hur

i've been like that for 20 years

AussieTY Wang! says:

 

TIME TO CHANGE

 

dont resist change

 

change for the better

paperplanes & paperhearts. paperclips & papercuts. says:

i'm not

innertia does that

hahahah

okay

I'm the Asian Amy Adams but without a job, nor a Hugh Dancy, nor a crazy credit card bill.  But yes, I am a terrible shopaholic.

When it comes to shopping, I am a PHAILURE.  That's the only thing I'm super at.  Sportsgirl is Sharon's hell.  Period.